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  • Pam England

A Call to Unguard My Heart

My Dear Friends and Summer Campers,

You may be wondering how am I, where the hell was I for summer camp yesterday, and what is going on. I will tell you. Over the last few months, it began insidiously, and I tried to ignore the call--from my own heart--I notice symptoms gradually escalating until this weak I cannot ignore or explain them away. My family practice doctor (who is an absolute peach) urgently sent me for heart tests, and I was shepherded to a cardiologist immediately where I learned I've been in ventricular tachycardia. He had an immediate stop-the-clock action plan. I tried to reason with him that Birth Story Summer Camp starts today and I have register someone and make sure .... and the watermelon will go bad ... he had a very convincing argument why it could wait.

I was in a bit of shock with the diagnosis, there were small ripples of fear, anxiety about bodily invasive procedure, and that thing I do in my head, "No, I haven't finished the website, there's one more thing, and Summer School might not launch, and the painting isn't finished!" While I was alone, prepped and waiting to have an angiogram, the question, If Love Were the Huntress, and I were the Prey . . .? came into me. I lie very still, breathing in that question, and breathing into it . . until it was time to go the operating room. The answer filled with me with a transcendent peace and generosity of spirit and this journey became one less preoccupied with the details of procedure and about relationship with those helping me.

The operating-procedure room was cold and everyone knew their roles, and they were everyone kind and professional. Immediately the image of Ramana Maharshi--his stead eyes--fill the inner screen of my mind and heart, and I breathed him in and breathed into him until my "self" embodied him. Having read many times about his life and how he died in severe pain and a state of profound silence and meditation, I have contemplated trying to follow in his footsteps. But he lived in this state always, and so must I strive (though I fail daily) to do.... (This image is a painting of him I made during the BFW transition)

There are two ways to have v-tach. One is plumbing (cholesterol in arteries) and the other is electrical wiring. The next medical detective hunt is in the wiring and...this can be treated in the near future.

I woke up this morning breathing in this Heart's Question, "If Love were the Huntress, and I was the prey...? and the answer came into me, not from my mind, but from the heart: the still, receptive activity of receiving and radiating all that is. Perhaps, my physical heart breaking may be what it takes to unguard my heart in so many ways and moments.

On a lighter note, This morning Danit sent me this image and told me that yesterday when she opened Google she found this greeting!

. . . and I cracked up!! Which brings us to the lighter side. I am sitting in my studio. Yesterday I read a few pages from a book that Lucien, my younger son, sent me this week, called The Mission of Art by Alex Grey. "The studio is in the artist's heart."

Today is a new day, but my devotion to mentoring and inspiring as many of you as I can in the Birth Story Medicine-Mentoring work, and in any aspect of mindful, loving-service in birth work that I am called to continues, unbroken. Do not think I need rest: I do not. We have a call to answer, and it must be answered in every possible moment we hear it! So do not hesitate to call on me.

All my love, to each and every one of you,

All my gratitude to attention and skills of the doctors, nurses, technicians, and receptionists--just doing their dharma, but doing it with sparkle and efficiency,

In-Love, I am,

Pam (Mui)

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